Grandparenting Is Hard Too

Dealing with sibling jealousy.

Note: I intended on paywalling this essay, IF, it was ever shared. As a matter of fact, the first section leading up to the title break was a journal entry. It was just me, trying to make sense of the situation — attempting to work it out through writing.

But after letting all of this sit for a few weeks, I’ve decided that I should share it with others. This blog is my Light, and I’ll continue to use it as a vessel of loving kindness. My hope is that this essay helps someone else who may have a similar situation weighing on them. Just as my friend Jennifer was able to help me.

Just in case you’re new here: I’m known as Peapaw by those closest to me. My Sweetheart is Lovie. And our grandchildren are Bink & Tink.

I have been upset for days — a complete wreck. Okay maybe that’s being slightly dramatic, but it’s been tough.

I popped Bink yesterday, and it’s broken both of our hearts.

He’s such a sweet little guy. But he gets jealous of Tink, and yesterday he hit her. So I hit him back, just the same way. And it crushed him.

You see the thing is, Bink and I are tight. I mean tight-tight. I was not this close to my girls. I was busy working, busy being the provider. Their Mama was the one who handled all of this stuff. I just had to be the Dad. I did what was asked of me, coached their teams, and that was pretty much it.

But being a Peapaw is different. I’m able to spend a lot more time with these Littles, than I did with their Mamas. And for an entire year, his first year of life, it was just the Binkster.

But in that year, things have changed a bit. And now that we have the blessing of a relationship with my eldest daughter, we’ve gained a Son and a Granddaughter too!

The little guy loves his cousin. He and Tink play and play. They ask about each other. They love on each other first, when they arrive. But they both, he in particular, get mighty jealous at times. And Bink has graduated from pushing, to hitting. Especially once he’s tired or irritated.

I’ve tried to let the Mamas handle the discipline, but the kids listen to me when I speak. So yesterday I took action.

Tink was in my lap, and we were reading a book. Bink was toddling around in between me and Lovie, half reading along, half whining a little bit because he was sleepy. He looked up at the two of us, and hit Tink on the forehead. So I popped him on his little forehead. A reaction I immediately, and still do regret.

It destroyed my little partner. He just stood there — devastated — tears streaming down his face, completely heartbroken.

Though it was difficult, I finished reading the book to Tink. Which I think hurt his feelings even more. His Lovie had picked him up by now, but could do little to sooth him. And when I went to grab for him, he actually pulled away from me. Which he’s never done before.¹

I walked around and soothed him — sat him down on the counter in the kitchen after he’d quieted. But then he thought about it again and got upset again. So we went into the bedroom for a change of scenery.

And I don’t know if any of that was right. It could have all been the wrong thing to do. And then I had to go to work. So Lovie took over.

When I got off of work Tink had already been picked up, and he was asleep. We took him to town to meet his Mama. He was only awake for about 5 minutes, and I’m not sure if I’ll get to see him today.

Tomorrow we’re moving Tink’s crew back home, a long answered prayer. And then it’ll be the two of them always. Which is a dream come true! And here I am upset about the whole thing for some reason.

Grandparenting Is Hard Too.

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Okay so, that was written the day after the event. It was the following that day that I first reached out for help.

Update, one week later: Frustrated, and reeling still. I called the only person that I thought may be able to help — my behavior analyst friend, Jennifer Haddock. Ever the professional she advised me that while she couldn’t give specific advice, she did have some tools that she thought could help us find a better path.

I spoke with Jennifer at the end of last week. And after listening to my plight, she had some great ideas! Which we’ve already started implementing.

First of all, she was able to present the behavior in a way that allowed me to give myself a little bit of grace — some self-forgiveness. My hitting him in response to him hitting his cousin was a gut reaction. I was trying to get his attention 💡 OMG. Just like the Binkster is doing!

• When your attention is diverted, understand that hitting is a motivating operation for doing things that will get the attention back — whatever has worked before.

• Prevent it by practicing other ways to communicate and obtain attention.

• Roll play — prevent by teaching delay tolerance. (short periods of diverted attention, return attention before he escalates)

I also noticed something over the weekend: Bink has been asking me about Tink constantly — and almost immediately, every time we see each other.

Y’all I think that I have been stressing her to him so much, that he thinks that she is all I want to talk about. So I have begun giving him my full attention when it’s just us. When he mentions Tink I answer him, then clarify that she’s not here. She’s at her house. And I reiterate that’s he’s here and I’m playing with him right now.

And while we haven’t yet had a chance to try all of Jennifer’s ideas, we’re also ensuring that someone is always on duty. Not as a referee, but as a coach. I think that has made a big difference in a short time.

Most importantly, all of us adults are on the same page. We now realize that Bink and Tink both are learning how to process these emotions. And that it’s up to us to teach them the proper behavior, in order to do so.

Update, another week later: Bink is doing amazing! He has really taken to sharing. And as long we don’t put the two of them in a position where they are in a competition for attention, there are zero issues.

We are all learning how to recognize the signs, and doing a better job of redirecting the behavior. And, we are praising them for waiting their turn and sharing. Which seems to be a great motivator.

Bink has begun using our names to get our attention. And is doing a much better job sharing with Tink. And she’s just two months behind him — monkey see, monkey do. Now I’m not saying we’re completely out of the woods, yet. But we can certainly see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bink loves his cousin. And looking back in retrospect, I think that’s part of the thing that tore me up. I saw him glare at her, with a wrinkled brow a few times weeks ago. He was beginning to develop a dislike for Tink. But by being shown a better way, those negative thoughts instantly disappeared. And were replaced with more loving kindness.

I cannot thank my friend enough for the compassionate ear, clarification, and ideas. Jennifer, you truly saved the day! 🙏 Thank you

I met Jennifer Haddock here on Substack. She is an amazing writer, in addition to holding a doctorate in Behavioral Analysis. Like me, her writing is a bit on the eclectic side. She too has three publications, and a website. Here’s her flagship pub!

Everyday Behaviorist

Life, love, and spirituality from a Radical Behaviorist lens. Memoir, fiction, poetry, life examples. Private events made public. Ph.D.

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1. The entire scenario from when Bink hit Tink, to when I picked him up from Lovie happened in less than a minute. I was reading a board book of 50 words. And all of this occurred within about 10 minutes of when I needed to leave for work