Nobody Likes Me

Maybe it's not them?

Before you read this essay, I would like to say that I use a few words here that are no longer part of my vocabulary. There is nothing derogatory or offensive below. But I do not consider Race when speaking of people any longer. It’s a label that is unnecessary, and in my opinion has used to divide us. I consider myself a cosmopolitan, a citizen of the world, and I believe that we are all One.

Its rarely going to be ‘everyone else’, we must always look inward first.

This morning someone said to me, “All the people in this city are bad. They don’t like me because of how I speak, because of my skin color, or where I’m from.”

It was so difficult not to respond. I wanted to tell this person how our own energy works with others around us. That everyone we come in contact with is affected by it whether they are aware of it or not, and vice-versa.

I wanted to tell them of my own similar experience in the past. But then was not the time, and this person is quite difficult to hold a conversation with—not because of the reasons that were stated, but because they are not a listener. Maybe there will be a time in the future when I can help them address this issue, but for now I must Let It Be. 😉I can tell you though.

I have always been a friendly person—not quite the same as today, but still. However, for years I had a problem communicating with many black women. It didn’t seem to matter much about the circumstance, as soon as we would begin to interact with each other there would be animosity. And over time I came to believe that ‘they’ just didn’t like me for some reason. I was always respectful—I was raised to conduct myself in such a manner, regardless of those types of circumstances. But the negative energy between the two of us would often bloom into an argument.

I didn’t know about the energy that we carry within us during those years, nor that we share that energy with all whom we pass. I was still ignorant of so many things in those days…

One evening after such an encounter, I was sitting at the bar of the country club having a conversation with an old-timer. I respected this man very much, and we would often spend far longer talking than either of us had planned. Anyway, I told him about the incident earlier that day and how I’d come to the conclusion that black women just didn’t like me for some reason.

Then Mr. Horace said something that changed my life. He said, “Maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s you.”

Now let me tell you that if Mr. Horace would have hit me with a literal ton of bricks, he couldn’t have made the impact on me that he did with that statement. And I don’t think it had anything to do with the fact that he himself was black. It's because I had never even considered that I could be the problem. 🤯

A moment passed where neither of us spoke. I didn’t know how to respond, he’d just blown my mind. I think he knew it, and that’s why he gave the statement time to settle before he continued.

He said, “You know MJ, I don’t mean that you are looking for trouble. But maybe if you make an effort to be kind, those circumstances won’t arise as often.”

“Yes, sir. I can do that,” I said.

Then he said something else that I continue to live by today, "Remember MJ, there’s nothing as disarming as a Smile.”

Without knowing it, Mr. Horace had just knocked down walls that I didn’t know existed. From that point onward I began to approach every conversation differently, regardless of the participant. I started listening to understand, instead of just waiting for others to finish so that I could continue to make a point.

And you know what? He was absolutely right about me being the problem—once I changed the way I approached, those encounters gradually grew from being often, to rarely, and eventually they became never.

I now know that it wasn’t just me, I wasn’t necessarily the problem. You never know what others are dealing with in their personal lives, and many times they bring that baggage with them throughout the day. And maybe that’s what Mr. Horace was saying about a Smile? Because it’s true, a Smile is capable of melting away so much.

A Smile is worth a thousand words! Don’t believe me? Just try it for yourself. 😁

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This isn’t the first time I’ve written about Smiling. Below is a blog post from December, before I started this Substack.

Smile😁

A few weeks ago while at an artist residency I was asked, if during all of my travels I had ever experienced any negativity. I believe the question was, “MJ. You wear the fact that you hail from the South so prominently. Have you ever had any negative experiences with people from different areas of the country?”

(follow this link to read more - scroll down to December)