I worry

I know better, but still...

I wasn’t sure yesterday if I would even publish this essay—I wasn’t sure about anything frankly. Here is what I wrote about those negative thoughts. But, “I’ve sucked it up,” as my sweetheart would say. “I’ve got my big-boy pants on,” and I’m trudging my way forward.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I worry, a lot.

Now I’ve never considered myself a worrier. I’m no doomsday prepper. I generally think things will work out. I know that, The Obstacle is the Way. But still, I worry.

I don’t talk about it much—heck I don’t even acknowledge it much to myself. But if I’m being honest, I do it.

Lately I have been completely obsessed with this new job—like on a ridiculous level, y’all. I know better, but still, I worry. At first I worried that I wouldn’t be hired. Then I worried about the FBI background check🙄for no reason what-so-ever. But still, it’s the freaking FBI! And when I got the email that I was hired, I started worrying about returning to work-work. It’s been over 15 years since I’ve received a w-2.

Before I started worrying about my new job, I was worried about my health. Scared is more like it, since I’m being honest here. I just knew something wasn’t right, there’s no way I should be this tired and hot after such a small amount of time in the heat. Thank the Lord that all my test results came back negative, or is it positive? Whatever—they were all good.👍

As it turns out, maybe I just need to get a little bit more exercise AND ensure that I stay hydrated. I’ve been paying attention, and I don’t think I’m drinking near-enough water throughout the day.

Let’s see 🤔 What was I worrying about before that? Oh yeah, my truck. I need a new motor. Oh and my sweetheart’s Jeep needed a transmission. And the list goes on…

Can any one of you, by worrying, add a single hour to your life? -Matthew 6:27

Jesus seems to be arguing here, that worrying is unhelpful in the course of one’s life. I think he’s telling us to focus on the present and what obstacles it brings, and not to dwell on future anxieties. It’s one thing to be prepared—but to worry or dwell on the future is ruinous.

Man is not worried by real problems, so much as by his imagined anxieties over real problems. -Epictetus

Everything that I was worrying about—all of it, worked itself out.

As I typed that sentence, I remembered something—somehow, being caught up in the snowball of worry over the past few months, I have forgotten something very important to me. I wear it on my left wrist, as a reminder—a tattoo that says, Amor Fati.

I cannot do both, Love Fate, and worry. I need to take Aaron Rodger’s advice, and, “R-E-L-A-X. Relax, everything is going to be okay.”

I have been letting imagined anxieties in, instead of focusing on the present moment. What’s happening right now, right in front of me is all that matters—not what might possibly happen tomorrow. Get it together MJ.

“True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied, for he that is wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” -Seneca

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R-E-L-A-X, Relax. Has been a go-to mantra for me for years. I talk about it here, in an essay titled Beatrix’s Box.